October 2 2015

It's been a long month.... Hard, heart breaking, healing, loving, and lots of learning!!


*Chantz came home from his mission.  Which was  my worst nightmare.  I have felt more emotions then I knew was possible!.  It's been a good and hard month as we have tried to regroup and move forward.  I had been counting down the days for him to go so I could get my Emilee back and let her have 2 years to breathe and find herself.  Him coming home took that away.  Even though they aren't seeing each other very much she is still very connected to him with her phone.  More then anything I want Emilee to figure our who she is separate of a boy or anyone else.  I want her to figure out what she wants in her life and what she truly believes.  I think she is good at telling everyone what they want to hear.  She hasn't had enough life experience to know what she wants.  She is mature in many ways but so young and naïve in others. I want the world for my girl!!  She is so capable and talented and has the whole world a head of her.  And above anything I want her to be happy.  Truly happy!!  I pray everyday that she can be strong!  That she can figure out what Heavenly Father has in store for her life and that she will know what is best for her and have the courage to do it!  I know it's been a really hard month for her and I am proud of her for handling it all as well as she has. This next year is terrifying for me.  My last year having her home with me where I really get a say.  I  know she is counting down the days until she can be on her own and free.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far in my life.  I feel her slipping through my fingertips and all I want to do is hold on tighter.  This month I have learned that being a parent is the hardest thing there is to do.  It is HARD!!  Terrifying, heartbreaking, and can make you crazy.  But I also have felt a whole new level of love and a desire to protect and fix her heart ache.  I love my Emilee and always will forever!!


* I am grateful for great parents who took Em in for the weekend when he first got home and loved and counseled with her.  They are the best and I so glad that my kids love them too!


*I'm grateful for a loving family for their texts and calls to check on us all.  Especially Nicole!


*I am grateful for a wise and loving Bishop who made both of our hearts feel a better.


*I am grateful for Jason who has been my best friend and partner through it all.  I have felt a deeper love for him as I have watched him hurt and show such a deep love for Emilee.  His council and love to her has been unbelievable to me.  I am so glad that he is the head of our family!  He is an amazing dad!


*I am so grateful for Maddy, Saib, and Cam!! They have been angels to Emilee!!



*I am grateful that Emilee has MATC.  It has been a blessing in her life.


*Max separated his shoulder in football.  I am grateful for Bob Norton and his mad scientist friend Jim who has worked his magic and hopefully healed his shoulder.


* I am SO grateful for Dr. Taylor and Melissa!  They have put me on all of these vitamins and hopefully they will help me.


*Went to the temple last night with Jay.  I have never felt more love for him in my life then I did in the chapel waiting for our session.  I was completely overwhelmed by this feeling of warmth, peace, and love. (Went through for Sarah Womack, a family name)


*Jayne gave our family night on Monday.  Cutest and funniest night EVER!!!  She had everything set up on the cedar chest with a blanket it over it and we didn't know what to expect.  She starts by pulling out a glass mason jar and explains that when we talk to Heavenly Father we talk out loud so he can hear us.  Then she bangs on the jar with a spoon to make a noise loudly.  Then she gets a bottle of perfume and sprays in and explains that Heavenly Father speaks back to us quietly like a whisper of a spray of perfume:)  Then she pulls out different pictures of Christ and talks about them.  When she gets to the picture of the Garden of Gethsemane, she says, "Jesus went to the secret grove to ask Heavenly Father which church is true."  Then she pulls out another glass jar that is full of little pieces of broken bread and tells us to remember him and eat the bread and then passes around a blue camping water bottle and tells us to have a drink of water.  We all were laughing so hard we could hardly keep a straight face.  She is the cutest little girl and makes our house so happy.  She loves to make things special and put a lot of time and effort into that family night.  I love her and hope she always loves the gospel and wants to have family night!


*I had my 41st birthday this week.  I love how my family tries hard to make it a special day.  Emilee bought me a new cute shirt.  Lucy wrote 41 things she loved about me and it was the cutest. Jayne wrapped up all kinds of presents for me that she found around the house and painted me the cutest butterfly.  Max and Abbie sent me cute texts saying they loved me and Jason took me shopping, to lunch, and came home from work with beautiful red roses and my favorite chocolates.  I love my family!!!!  We went to Abbie's volleyball games  in Westlake and to kneaders in between.